Inmates are allowed to marry while in prison. I don't know why we permit it, but if I was a woman who made the mistake of dating an inmate, I think I would at least wait until he got out of prison to tie the knot. Call it a get-out-of-prison incentive.
Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way.
Inmate Robert Lobo (from the 'Casanova' story) was on his fifth or sixth girlfriend when the love bug finally bit him, or so he claimed. It probably didn't hurt that the girl's family had quite a bit of money. I imagined her parents' reaction would be one of utter horror when they found out their daughter was not only dating an inmate, but marrying one. I got the memo approving Inmate Lobo's wedding a couple of weeks beforehand, and hoped for her sake he'd dump her before it happened.
On the day of the wedding Lobo's fiancée, Jezebel, was so excited she arrived almost an hour early-- wedding dress slung over shoulder, covered in a plastic dry cleaning bag. She was a fairly attractive girl; 'girl' being operative as she was only nineteen. As I've said before there are three types of women who fall for inmates; they are usually fat, ugly or dumb. This girl had to be the latter since she was svelte and obviously attractive. I fought to restrain myself from telling her that she was making a mistake. That she could do better and that this inmate was one of the worst users of women I'd ever seen, but I couldn't. We have rules against that sort of thing.
I honestly felt bad for her. She was getting married in an inmate chapel, behind fences and razor wire, without a honeymoon. They don't even get conjugal visits.
As the hour approached her family began to trickle in. They seemed well off, but also a little shady, like people you'd find at a Mafia funeral. Surprisingly, they appeared to be quite happy for Jezebel and kept telling her how wonderful it was that she was getting married. To this day I have no idea why they felt that way. Maybe she had cancer and this was her one shot at love before she died. I guess I'll never know.
We usually don't allow very many people into the inmate areas of the prison but weddings are an exception. By the time the Chaplain arrived there were close to twenty family members waiting to go in.
Chaplain O'Hare was a nice enough fellow but a little old and forgetful. He was technically an officer but didn't seem like he'd kept current on officer training. I reviewed the game plan with him so the operation would go as smoothly as possible. We discussed where family would be seated, where the bride would be and how we would deal with Inmate Lobo once he arrived. When we were ready, I escorted the bride and sat the family members in the chapel. We just had to wait for the groom to arrive from his cell block.
The ceremony was supposed to start at 1:00 pm. By 1:15 we still didn't have the groom so I called the block and asked the officer what was holding up inmate Lobo.
Me: "Is Lobo showing up for his wedding or should we just reschedule it to a day more suitable to his liking?"
Officer: "Hell, I don't know. I called for him over the loudspeaker three times. It's not like I'm his mommy. I'm not going to make him go."
Me: "Well, is he there or should we be concerned that we're missing an inmate?"
Officer: "He's here, but some of the other guys are saying he's busy."
I walked down to his cell block to find out what was going on. When I arrived I checked the housing list and saw that he was on the second tier, so I went up the stairs to his floor. I didn't even have to look for his cell. He was sitting in the common room watching TV and I caught his eye as I approached.
Me: "So, are you getting married today, or were you just planning on wasting everybody's time?"
Robert: "Hold on! The game's almost over and I have $20 riding on it."
Me: "You're telling me that a $20 bet is more important than getting married to the woman you love?"
Robert: "Jesus! Just give me five more minutes. Goddamn! It's like I'm married already."
Me: "No! You either come now, or it doesn't happen. In fact I'm going to write you up for wasting my time."
Robert: "Fuck, fuck, fuck! I have fucking money on this game!"
Me: "You realize gambling is against the rules and I could write you up for that as well, right?"
Inmate Lobo looked at me and slowly realized what he had done. He was so caught up in the game that not only had he delayed his wedding, but he also forgot that he wasn't supposed to get caught gambling. I gave him one more chance, if only to redeem this girl's pitiful wedding day.
Me: "Are you ready?"
Robert: "Yeah, let me grab my coat."
We finally arrived at the church around 1:45. Chaplain O'Hare told me the family members were impatient, but they immediately cheered up when the groom appeared. Inmate Lobo ran up to his bride and said, "Dang baby! I'm sorry! Those damn officers on the block wouldn't let me leave. They wanted to ruin our wedding."
Jezebel looked at me over her soon-to-be husband's shoulder with the frostiest glare I'd ever received in my life.
I just shook my head and indicated to the Chaplain that he should get started. He cracked open his Bible and the couple came forward.
Just as ceremony began, I received a call on my radio. I was needed elsewhere for a moment, and headed for the exit. I hesitated with my hand on the doorway, wondering if it was a good idea to leave the Chaplain alone with an inmate and twenty of his soon-to-be in-laws. I decided that he would be fine for ten minutes. He had a radio and was technically an officer. Everything seemed to be going smoothly so I opened the door.
I walked off trying to think of the fastest way to complete my new assignment.
Less than ten minutes later I returned to the church expecting to find a happily married couple and a joyful family. What I found instead was a perplexed looking Chaplain standing in the hallway outside the closed doors of the chapel.
Me: "What's going on? Why are you out here with the doors closed?"
Chaplain: "Oh dear! I just went out to my car to fetch the marriage license and when I returned I found the doors closed and apparently blocked."
Me: "Blocked? What the... Wait! You left the inmate and the visitors alone inside the chapel? What in the hell were you thinking?"
Chaplin: "Oh dear! I don't know. I just thought... Oh, I wasn't thinking!"
I grabbed my radio mic and called for backup; a few seconds later Officer Jackson came running through the door. I explained the situation and we began trying to kick the doors down. After a few tries, I stopped to listen for an idea of what was happening inside the chapel.
At first I thought a woman was injured and moaning in pain. Then I realized that it wasn't pain she was moaning about.
Me: "Shit! They're fucking!"
Jackson: "No fucking way!"
Chaplin O'Hare: "Oh Jesus!"
I pounded on the door again and demanded someone open it immediately. From the other side of the door I heard a woman say, "Just a minute! They're almost finished!"
I couldn't believe it. Was the family actually watching?
Officer Jackson and I began kicking the doors again, while other officers piled in through another set of doors on the opposite side of the chapel. I asked a couple officers to find something to break the doors down, when they suddenly swung open.
The family was standing at the back of the room, while the bride and groom redressed behind the altar. Inmate Lobo paused to give us a huge grin and two thumbs up.
A couple of officers quickly grabbed Lobo and ushered him out of the building. He was going to be in lock-down for a long time.
As I escorted the bride and her family out, they protested that the marriage needed to be consummated and that we were violating their rights. I informed them that they had broken so many rules that we could charge them with crimes. Instead we settled for giving Jezebel and her family lifetime bans from the prison. Inmate Lobo may have been married but he wouldn't be seeing his wife again any time soon.
When things settled down a bit, I enlisted some inmates to clean up the chapel. After a few minutes a creepy old inmate approached me holding a soggy tissue.
Inmate "I found this behind the altar. Do you want it for evidence? It might have some DNA on it."
Me: "What the...? No, I'm not touching that! Just throw it away."
Postscript
When I ran into Inmate Lobo a few months later, we had the following enlightening exchange.
Me: "So, how's your wife?"
Robert: "I left that bitch! Why would I want a wife that can't even come and visit me? Besides, she made me lose a bet."
Me: "Watching the game would have made a difference?"
Robert: "You're damn right it would have!"
Lessons Learned
We changed the rules after that fiasco. No more family members at inmate weddings.
A short time later Chaplain O'Hare decided to retire. I guess he realized that he was becoming a safety risk, or maybe it was just the embarrassment. Maybe after working in Corrections for over 30 years it was just time to hang up the uniform.
